Total Liberation CHAPTER 3 "I Require a Certain Kind of Love" Part 1

05 May 2017

Total Liberation CHAPTER 3 "I Require a Certain Kind of Love" Part 1

Have you ever met someone who you did not know, yet, your soul had to have?

Someone who seemed to be born with the ability to get under your skin?

A person who gives so little, yet, makes it feel like the entire Universe?

A being that possess the power to make you forsake every ounce of wisdom you’ve gained…and replace it with pure, unadulterated irrational vulnerability…

If so, then maybe you’ve met him too…

Perhaps you have encountered a male exotic dancer from Baltimore named Antonio.

Maybe you have been mesmerized by his beauty and mystery like I have.

My Cancer lover. So powerful with his control over my rawest emotions…

This one could be a book in itself. This man has done nothing much and so much at the same time. What I mean by this, is I feel like I have given our relationship so much more energy than he ever did. Yet he has helped me realize so much about myself at the same time. Antonio has challenged me the most. He has made me second guess myself more than any other lover. He has brought out insecurities that I did not know I had. He’s made me realize how far I have grown and how much growth still lies ahead for me. Antonio has reminded me of how much love I have to give, and revealed to me that I truly require a special kind of love.

Let’s take you back about 2 years ago when I first saw him perform. I was at a club in New Orleans, LA with a friend girl of mine. This show featured many out of town dancers, even some female ones. We were sitting at a table in the middle of the room, and the most beautiful man I had ever seen comes and stands against the wall next us. There are few different ways to describe a man’s looks

Handsome-don’t cut it.

Cute- man please.

Attractive- doesn’t begin to do him justice.

He was beautiful. Drop Dead Beautiful

I’ll never forget it.

He was wearing a tight white shirt. His skin was the perfect shade of dark brown with a jawline that had to be sculpted by Zeus himself. His facial hair was meticulously etched around his full lips. He had back length dreads, mysterious dark eyes and a powerful stare that could bring Nefertiti into deep submission.

I noticed this even though he was not staring at me. (I’m not sure what was up with me that night but I was not looking my best … by any means) He was staring at one of the female dancers.

In between stares at her, he made small talk with me. It was easy to get the phone number of a dancer. Just say you want to know how to book them and BOOM, there goes the digits!

That’s what I did. After that was out of the way, I remember asking him what made him stand out from the rest of the dancers.

He replied with a simple, “I’m just me,” with a hint of arrogance that was overshadowed by his beauty.

We made more small talk then he walked away. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him…he even walked like a God.

Soon after that, the DJ announced the next dancer.

The lights got low and burgundy.

The Weeknd’s “Life of The Party” blasted through the speaker set.

Out came the World’s most beautiful man dressed in all black leather.

His tailor-made costume did a magnificent job of concealing the parts we all craved, yet revealing just enough to have us clenching our pussy muscles. He came out like he knew he could have anyone he wanted…

Judging by the faces of every woman in the building, he was correct.

He was a performer like I had never seen. It was almost like he danced with the intent to hypnotize. I could not take my eyes off of him. His body was perfectly sculpted just like his face. The way his abs and pelvis worked together, created the perfect stroke. His facial expressions were so committed that they made you want to look away, but good luck with that. The way he moved was so seductive that every woman in the room was drunk off of his essence.  At least I know I was.

Every article of clothing he disowned lead to my deeper infatuation.

How the fuck could one man be so perfect?

For a moment, I wondered what it was like to be him. So desired. So…flawless.

He ventured into the audience to make things even more unbearable for everyone. His eyes were searching the crowd for a willing participant.

I remember feeling nervous. What if he picked me? Would I be able to handle it? I’d probably pass out before we made it back to the stage.

He looked past me to that super body stripper he was eyeing earlier.

He took her center stage and made stripper love to her in front of us all. I found myself wondering what it was like to be a woman like her…so desired.

She could have any man she wanted, including the very one I craved.

How did that feel? To have that kind of power…beauty…and confidence.

I wondered if I would ever know…

I remember at the end, he was totally nude and smiled as he did his finishing moves.

I had never seen a dancer so seductive. He was a pure God. At that point I knew I was going to get that man to love me. I did not care when or how it happened.

After his performance I used my typical pick up line and told him I wanted to model with him. Which was true, but what I really wanted to say was, “I just wanna be close to you.”

Sometimes I wish we lived in a world where saying shit like that 1 minute after meeting someone did not send them running full speed in the opposite direction.

I asked him how much he would charge me for a photo shoot.

He told me he wouldn’t charge me anything and to text him.

The next day I texted him and some other dancers I had met. None of them really having my attention but him. I love connecting and knowing people in different states. I am a networker first.

So months and months went by and I would fantasize about this man. We did not speak at all after the day we met, but he was always in the back of my mind somewhere. I always knew that I would end up connecting with him. I just did not know when or how. I just kept writing, journaling and thinking about him.

Fast Forward to November 2013, about 2 years since I had seen or spoken to him.

He had a show in Hammond, LA. Some friends and I decide to go. I knew deep down that I was going to end up connecting with him.  I visualized it over and over again. Rehearsing various things I would say to him.

I was sexy as hell that night, unlike the first time we met.

I had on a red skirt and mid drift top. My make-up was flawless and I smelled like love itself.

I was sitting down and I saw him at the bar watching the game.  I knew that was my chance. I adjusted my skirt and sashayed over to my man like I already had him.

I tapped him on the back as I sat to the left of him and smiled.

“Hey Antonio. You remember me?”

Goddamn it he looked good in that tight ass white V-Neck. He had his locs wrapped up in a black scarf of some sort. Leaving nothing but face to be admired.

He smiled and squinted his face into a thinking one.

I laughed, “We met in New Orleans. I texted you about booking you once. It was the show with the big booty stripper. You should remember now.”

He laughed, “Oh yea. I think I do remember you. How you been? Do you want something to drink?”

“Yea right.” I said playfully. “And I don’t drink alcohol but I’ll take a concoction of fruit juice.”

He smiles more and ordered one for us both.

I took a sip on my juice without taking my eyes off of him.

“You seem happier this time. Before you seemed arrogant.” I blurted out.

He grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

“You have a perfectly put together face…” I said those exact words because it was true…and I’m an odd person.  

“Thank you.” He chuckled. “So do you.”

I almost lost my cool there! That was the first verbal  confirmation that my man wanted me back. I held it together though.

“Why thank you sir.”


“So what do you do outside of dance?”

“I own a security company back in Baltimore.”

“Nice!” It was cool that he was an entrepreneur as well.

“What do you want to do ultimately?”

He started telling me how he wants to go around and speak to young boys about success and making something of themselves.

I loved how easily our conversation flowed over the loud music.

He talked more about his future and dreams. I was very interested in knowing him which is why I asked the questions that I did.

We talked for a little longer and then I dismissed myself.

“Well, I’m going to get back to my girls. I just wanted to come and speak to you.” I said.

“Do you still have my number?” He asked.

I grinned on the inside. I knew I had him.

After ensuring we have each other’s contact info I strutted my fine ass back to my seat…feeling his dark eyes on my brown body the entire way.

Soon, he was on stage, yet again, with his long locs tied back. Dazzling his longing observers.

I was watching his performance from the front row. Appreciating the living work of art before my eyes.

I wasn’t my usual self…

I was calmer…cooler…

Almost like a black widow who had discovered something she liked…and now owned…

Our eyes locked as he stood in the middle of the floor…touching himself as if the texture of his own skin fueled him with dose after dose of ecstasy.

It seemed like such a private moment that he was sharing with the world.

As if under mind control I felt myself rising from my chair and gliding over to him.

He reached out and wrapped his strong long arm around my waist while my legs wrapped around his.

It felt so appropriate to be that close to him...on stage in front of all those wanting eyes…all of them fainting after him…and wishing they knew what it felt like to be me…

I wondered if he could feel the heat from my fiery yoni through the boy shorts I had hidden underneath my red skirt.

He gently laid me down on the bed of dollar bills. I was on my back…..looking up at him…

The crowd gasped as he reached behind his head and removed the elastic band that contained his wild locs.

His experience was orgasmically evident as he did some sort of spin, that turned into a flip and landed right on top of me.

He grabbed my right thigh and gave it a squeeze as he showed the world how he wished to make love to me.

He was moving his body in ways that revealed his nature as a lover…passionate…in control…absolutely hypnotizing.

Tyrese was on the speakers wailing “Lately” as my dream King turned me over on my stomach.

He placed that face of his in the crease of my neck. I could feel his tantalizing breathe on my skin as I closed my eyes and imagined us together as a couple…

I pictured him bringing me on stage with him during his sets, proudly allowing the world to see who he loved most.

I felt the desperate need to be flaunted by the one I wanted to flaunt.

I reached behind me and touched his face with tenderness… My mouth longed for his.

Those eyes of his never left mine. I was not at all afraid to meet his gaze as I allowed myself to feel the fullness of my almost unbearable craving for this man I barely knew.

I saw his eyes make a tiny shift from my eyes to my lips.

He wanted to kiss me, I could feel it.

I was begging him to do it internally.

I guess he felt my thoughts because he started to lean in…my breath stopped right along with my heart…He was going to kiss me right now, on the dance floor…claiming me…right in front of every set of eyes in the room…He was so close I could feel the sacred breath on my upper lip…he closed his eyes…grabbed my face and…

“Wooooooo! Shit! Damn he is so fuckin FINE,” shouted some ratchet bitch with terrible gold hair and teeth next to me.

I looked at her and frowned.

Damn ragamuffin snatched me out of my fantasy world. I was happy there.

I was still sitting in my seat. I had not moved an inch. He was taking his bow and heading off stage.

I had vividly imagined that entire scenario…typical Pisces behavior.

My day dream had only intensified my determination to have his heart intertwined with mine…

Nothing was going to stop me. There was no other way around it. There was no alternative.

I simply had to have Antonio Jackson.

After his heart stopping performance, he was making his rounds and driving all the girls crazy in the process. Did it bother me?

Quite the opposite, it enticed me.

It takes a certain kind of woman to date a male dancer or any man with a profession that draws women by the droves.

I can’t imagine why a woman who cannot handle a wanted man would even partake in such an endeavor.

In my opinion, the significant other of this sort of businessman must be progressive in some way, if not all ways. Or else, she is doomed for insanity.

I, on the other hand, have always wanted the man, who is universally desired. Maybe that is why I have always wanted to date a male stripper.

It’s quite arrogant of me, actually. I like to brag and inspire envy amongst both men and women.

I want both sexes to crave us and find us untouchable.

Both of us.

I also happen to be a voyeur. So, watching women drool all over a goat mouth camel does nothing for my loins.

My man does not have to be a male dancer or any kind of public figure, however, he does have to be beautiful and irrespirable.

That’s two for two for Antonio.

He made his way to me and showed his perfect pearly whites.

We hugged as I placed my hand on his face…just like I did in my dream land shortly before.

I asked him for a picture and he agreed to take one with me. He took my phone and handed it to some cute girl.

I noticed him licking his lips as I took off my jacket.

I loved his eyes on me.

He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close for the picture I still have to this day.

You can tell a lot by how a man embraces you.

His embrace confirmed what I already knew.

Before I entered my slumber for the night…I would hear from Antonio…

As I was driving home from the show I felt my phone buzz.

It was a text that read:

“Good Night Miss Green,”

I had stood out to him like I knew I would. I blushed all the way home.

Believe it or not, we still did not reconnect until January 3, 2014.

I had been thinking of him when he text me and asked how my New Year had gone.

I grinned from the inside out. He was thinking of me too.

He showed me how consistent he could be with his daily “Good Morning” text messages.

Each one making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I’ll never forget the first time he sent me a message that made me jump up and down and roll on the floor (literally).

I told him I really enjoyed waking up to text messages from him and he said, “I wish they could be accompanied by a kiss on the cheek.”

It took me about 10 minutes to slow my heartbeat enough to respond.

“A man has not had this effect on me in ages,” I thought.

I felt like a 16 year old who was dating her celebrity crush.

All of my thoughts revolved around him. That addictive personality of mine was kicking in full fledge.

He told me he had an interest in music. I am a writer and he wanted me to write lyrics for him that he could speak over a track. Then he told me that he had a show in New Orleans in mid-January. We made plans to spend the night with each other to discuss music.

I was excited, yet I wondered if I should have told him that I was a poly woman.

We had not discussed any of that kind of stuff. In fact, he did not know that I was in an open relationship at the time.

My boyfriend knew all about Antonio and how I felt about him. Antonio never inquired about my relationship status.

I tried to spark that conversation on a few occasions but got nothing from him. So I never volunteered the information.

I usually inform a love interest upfront that I’m not interested in monogamy. However, I did not want to risk losing his interest. So I decided to tell him in person.

I noticed something about myself; even though I considered myself “poly”, I was behaving like a monogamous woman.

Meaning, I for some reason felt as if I had to choose between my boyfriend and Antonio. So I began giving less attention to my boyfriend due to my interest in Antonio.

I had no reason to do that. My boyfriend was completely supportive of our relationship.

Taking an honest peek back at this situation, I realized my distance had little to do with Antonio. I had forced a connection with a great man that just wasn’t for me. Needless to say, it was not long until that relationship faded completely.

Another interesting thing about our connection is that Antonio and I never spoke about sex. When I brought this up to him he told me that he was not interested in text sex or sexual conversations. He said that it was, “not his thing.”

I understood and dropped the subject.

We were connecting on so many other levels that the sexual aspect would just be an added bonus.

I loved getting sneak peeks of his sensitive side. While discussing music, he told me he wanted to do a contemporary version of “Make it Last Forever.” It was clear to me that he wanted love.

He also knew how to make me laugh. We cracked each other up all the time.

He loved to give my lips compliments…and they loved to receive them.

So it was the night that Antonio and I were scheduled to meet and I noticed that my energy was very shaky.

You see, I come from serious abandonment issues when it comes to men that I am interested in.

Antonio was beautiful, popular, sweet, and I was a 1000% physically attracted to him. This type of man, I could never get to love me no matter how hard I tried.

They just never seemed to stay around.

So I found myself thinking that he was going to stand me up. I had to shake that off. I knew I was trippin’. He had given me no reason to think he would do me that way and… he didn’t.

I walked into the venue with a brand new confidence. In my mind, everyone knew I was leaving with the finest nigga in the city. My arrogance was in full blast as I greeted some old friends.

I was yapping with a male dancer/homie of mine when I felt hands around my waist. I prepared my sexiest smile and turned around to see…an old acquaintance of mine named Randy.

“Hey Cidney girl! You didn’t tell me you were coming!”

She lived there in New Orleans. I met her at a meat show one night and we became cool. After that, I would always call her when I was coming in town. I was so wrapped up in Antonio that I had forgotten to call her.

I forced my mouth to morph into a smile of pleasant surprise.

“Girl, my bad I’ve been crazy bu-“

My words came to a screeching halt as I looked past Randy’s left shoulder and saw his locs dangling down his back.

He was standing across the room talking to his best friend wearing a blazing red and white beater. He was talking to a pretty lame fellow dancer named Sinner Fold. Antonio’s back was to us. He had not yet seen me.

Randy followed my damn near drooling gaze.

“Hmm that’s RoBody from Baltimore. He is so fucking sexy. I wouldn’t have come out tonight if he wasn’t coming. These local dancers are starting to get old to me. Have you seen him perform before?”

I wasn’t quite listening to her at that moment. I was too busy trying to decide if I was going to approach him or wait to be noticed.

It turned out I did not have to decide at all.

My legs did that for me.

Before I even knew what was going on I had left Randy right where she was and strutted my thick ass right over to him.

How is it that he had this magnetic power over me without even looking at me? Crazy shit.

I saw Sinner Fold’s eyes catch mine as I tapped Mr. Fine on the shoulder.

He turned around and we mirrored grins. He looked me up and down again and gave me a firm, semi lengthy hug. I did my best to savor the moment as I tried my hardest not to make it too obvious that I was melting in his arms.

We finally let go of each other. We were both blushing like crazy as we spoke our hellos.

“Keep it cool Cid,” I thought as I tried to force the grin off of my face and replace it with my “bad bitch face.”

“Good luck with that.” I thought to myself.


Later on, I was watching him perform for the third time. But this time was the best yet. No because of his performance but because I knew how this night would end.

Watching women claw at the man I was going “home” with.

Again Antonio had succeeded in making me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I was looking at him show his penis to all of the women in the room thinking, “I can’t wait to have that beautiful thing in my mouth tonight.”

I absolutely loved that all these women wanted him and I love watching him tease them all. That’s why I did not cling onto him all night. I had no need for that. I knew who he was coming home with and my view was much better from afar.

So after his show I follow him backstage. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks…Antonio made me nervous…as shit!

Eye contact with him was difficult for me to keep. His stare was a bit too powerful, making my body language a little awkward. Antonio could turn a grown woman into a little girl.

That’s exactly how I felt around him…like a subservient little girl. That was okay though, I did not mind being submissive for him.

I had planned on showing him just how obedient I could be.

I couldn’t wait to get out of that fucking club.


We got to the room and it’s not long before I’m straddling him…fully clothed. I’m just sitting on top of him as we conversed.

I’d been wanting to be this close to him for 2 years.  It still felt like a dream to me.

He’s talking. I’m listening. He is telling me about his vision for his music. He told me he wants to speak about love. I asked him what aspect of love he wanted to speak about. He didn’t really give me a straight answer but when I asked him directly did he want love, his silence was loud.

After that delicate moment passed, I told him that our “sudden” regular communication did not surprise me.

I said, “You get what you think about. And for the last 2 years I have been thinking about you. Frequencies must match and deep down you and I must have been desiring the same feeling.”

“What feeling is that?” he asked.

I paused…and my reply “I don’t know.”

Sure I knew, but was not brave enough to say it…

So I am still straddling him and I start sniffing him because I’m weird like that.

He picks me up and wraps my legs around him and sits back down. It was an innocent move yet wetness rushed out of my pussy anyway.

That’s when I told him that I’m interested in watching him fuck someone in front of me. I told him that’s the kind of relationship I would want. I told him that I am into voyeurism and that I would really love to watch him sleep with a woman in front of me. He just let out a small laugh. Antonio was a man of few words.

I kept looking at his mouth as it moved. I wanted to interrupt him with a kiss but I feared rejection…So I asked him for what I wanted.

“Can I have a kiss?”

He grabbed my face with both hands and gave me just that.

Just a small quickie at first.

Then we kissed nice and slow with just the right amount of tongue. It felt so right to be kissing him. Yet the surge of energy I felt through his hot mouth almost frightened me. I had to switch it up or I might have lost my mind. So I opted to give him what I call “face worship.”

I kissed him all over his face…his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his chin, his eyebrows, all of his beautiful face.

His…lips…high cheekbones…eyelids…forehead…the bridge of his nose…his nostrils…the area between his nose and upper lip…his temple…his eye brows…

It’s a very loving thing I do when I am in tune with a man…He allowed me to worship him…I appreciated that.

I soon found out that I am NOT the only one who gives kisses in strange places. He is the first man to ever kiss my elbow. I laughed at his cuteness.

I was still straddling him as he gave me a kiss on my shoulder.

“Thank you.” I say sincerely as I smiled with pleasure

I guess I was straddling him a minute too long because soon he picked me up and put me on my back.

I had on a skirt so the only thing covering my pussy was my thong panties and a small portion of the skirt.

Before I knew it, I was on my stomach moaning and grabbing the sheets. He knew how to turn any area of my body into a hotspot. He was licking the back of my knees the arch of my back and even kissed my ass.

He was such a deliberate lover and did everything at his own controlled pace. He liked to suck on my fingers and just explore my body with his hands and mouth.

As crazy as it seems, I cannot remember very many details; I was too drunk off of his erotic energy, much like the first night I saw him perform.

I just remember not knowing what to expect next. I had no clue what part of my body his mouth would be on in the next 2 seconds.

He was passionate, yet not rushed. He took his time with me. He had by far the longest and most interesting foreplay that I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I had completely surrendered my body to him and he knew what to do with it. Next thing I knew there was a dick in my pussy hitting my g spot over and over again. He was very practiced, with his stroke, aiming for that ultra-sensitive spot on my upper vaginal wall and never missing his target.

He was a totally different type of lover than August. Where August would wrap his hand around my throat and pound me until tears came to my eyes, Antonio would wrap his fingers around mine and squeeze. Letting me know he cared.

He was gentle with me, yet still very much in control. This whole thing seemed like a fantasy to me. I was feeling like the most beautiful woman in the world, making love to the most beautiful man in the world. This was a dangerous heaven. I knew that with the way I was feeling about him, falling in love with him would be easy…I wanted to love him in every way.

Every time he touched me it felt like gentle electricity entered my body then ran straight to my heart.

I was so wet, but it felt like a different kind of moisture…a lubrication that derived from pure emotion.

This only intensified when he would gently place his hand on the right side of my face and say

“It’s okay baby. I got you.”

I tried to control my moans of disbelief but they were untamable.

I clung on to him as if I would die a million deaths if I let go.

His grip around my body was just as serious as we entered far away dimensions from a New Orleans hotel room…

Countless moments later he rolled off the top of me as I struggled to hold back the tears in my eyes. I was not ready to reveal that much vulnerability. I turned my head away from him.

He was such a selfless lover that I felt like a lazy fuck. I am usually much more active. I wanted so badly to please him but he reassured me that he was fine and that he had come twice.

I didn’t remember him stopping and switching the condoms. My baby was a pro. He came and kept right on fucking. At least I think he did…hell I was too gone to notice one way or the other.

Last thing I remember about that night was me grabbing his strong arm and wrapping it around me. I had become a baby girl that night, so vulnerable in his arms. Trusting him with everything. Being so close to his warmth made me feel so safe… like a child snuggled up to her father.

I wanted to put my thumb in my mouth and get to sucking. Soon I was no longer conscious. Little did I know, the time for round 2 was approaching. I needed every ounce of rest I could possibly get. The Cancer man from Baltimore was not done with me yet…In fact, he had barely begun.



17 May 2017 at 04:18 PM

Gurlll dayya your gonna have me call up my Antonio and get to fucking I miss him dearly ty for this cid
This is heaven ?

10 May 2017 at 03:58 PM

He’s always been such a gentlemen and great person to work with omg the locsss yessss to see him whipping them in person ????

08 May 2017 at 10:15 PM

Must be a baltimore thing

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